This blog is written by me and my badass newborn daughter. She said the title should reflect what we were writing about. I asked her what that would be and she said lots of stuff: books, movies, Miranda July, Quebec's 1978 budget, food, poopy diapers, Broderick Crawford, the Lakers, iambic pentameter, jackalopes, 17th century Japanese swords, bouncy chairs, and more. That's a lot of stuff, I said. She agreed, then added she was pretty sure she would NOT blog about snakes. So, there ya go.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
James Worthy, Pain Free Tweezers & A Buncha Other Stuff
Don't bother me. I'm thinking.
This one’s been brewing in the tyke’s brainpan for a few weeks now, and she would have gotten to writing/posting it sooner, but some unbelievably important and lengthy naps reared their ugly heads, causing gargantuan delays. In her short, but highly productive life, the Kid has learned to embrace the commercialism of America with gusto (we were forced to take away all of her credit cards and ban her from watching QVC). But, there have been several “baby” items that have come our way over the past seven weeks that we thought should be discussed. The Kid was either gifted these items or we bought them for her ourselves (and in one case, the baby made the purchase). These are actual things she uses on a daily basis. May you who are future parents or current parents find this useful. May you who have no kids find this unbelievably insightful and useful. For our Amish readers… sorry, guys, you’re SOL (but still lovin’ the orange triangles! Keep it real Pennsylvania Dutch, keep it real…).
1. The Nuk Bottle Warmer - Egads, we cannot stress the usefulness of this enough. At first we were forced to warm the bottles in a pan of boiling water, which could often take waaaaaaay too long for lil Miss. But the Nuk BW fancy-pants steam technology (Steam! Modern science, what will they invent next????) heats her bottles in 90 seconds. Also excellent for Mommy and Daddy’s daily hot toddies and pore cleansing ritual.
2. Let’s face it, few things can cause more discomfort and pain than a lullaby; but, they are a necessary evil. Without them, few babies will be bored to sleep, and heaven knows how important it is to get these precious darlings as much shut-eye as possible. For parents, it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t proposition. On the one hand, if you don’t play a lullaby the kid may not sleep and you’ll want to kill yourself. On the other hand, if you have to listen to “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” again you WILL kill yourself. Wouldn’t it be great if there were a lullaby album that turned some of your favorite seminal rock music into a peaceful ditty for your offspring???? Well, what song says “peaceful ditty” more aptly than U2’s “Sunday Bloody Sunday?” Yes, now with the album “Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of U2”, you can put the baby to sleep all the while singing “how long must we sing this song?” but have it mean something completely different than what you would normally mean while listening to a lullaby.
Another one of Dad guy's piss-poor swaddling jobs...
3. Prior to becoming a father, I was ignorant of the art of swaddling. Basically, swaddling is like putting your baby in a straightjacket. It’s an ancient practice and by Jove, me and the Missus would be lost without it. Oh, you uneducated non-parent types may think, “How awful, you straightjacket your baby!” Yeah, well let me tell ya something, they straightjacket the insane and if you’ve never seen an overly stimulated infant who is looooong overdue for his/her nap, then you’ve never seen an insane person. We use the Bambino Land Muslin Organic blankets for our swaddling. They’re lightweight, and perfect for the summer months. I tell you this because I know you were sitting on the edge of your seats wondering.
4. The Jeep Universal Car Seat Carrier is da bomb! (Note: the Kid would like to point out just how white her dad is and apologize for it.) This thing weighs like 2 ounces, pops open and closed at the touch of a button and, most importantly NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED! This stroller is perfect for younger babies. You take your car seat and strap it onto the Jeep frame and Bam! you’re ready to go. Universal for just about any car seat. WARNING: Like with any stroller, don’t let the baby take control of the wheel. The Kid is a bit of a daredevil and a lead foot. Any chance she gets, she’ll pop a wheelie and do donuts to impress the older kids at the park Also, if your baby is prone to road rage (she must’ve gotten THAT from her mother…), you may want to consider swaddling while in the car seat.
5. Next, I was going to discuss the baby monitor she received as a gift from her great-aunt Kitty; but, unfortunately, there’s a bit of a legal issue on this one. Seems the first time we used the monitor the Kid immediately cried foul regarding her right to privacy and immediately called the ACLU. Pending a hearing, we are advised by our attorneys (Dewey, Cheatum and Feldstein – see what I did there?) not to make any further comments at this time.
6. The Kid poops a lot. She needs diapers. We prefer the Seventh Generation chlorine free ones. We’re also transitioning to the G-Diaper cloth diaper system (Yeah, cloth. Every day in the US alone, forty-two gazillion disposable diapers end up in land-fills. Look it up. Save the planet! ) Poop. Diapers. Let’s just be adults and move on.
7. Not sure how to broach this next item. I guess, I’ll take the band-aid approach and just pull quickly: the Kid has uranium. “Ha Ha Ha! Oh, that’s rich, Daddy! You’re seven-week-old daughter has uranium. Ha ha. Ha. Ha.” Yeah… so one more time, let me be clear: MY DAUGHTER HAS URANIUM!!! I could send you to the Amazon.com link to the left and for $39.95 you’ll find a joke can labeled “uranium,” but that would merely continue in misleading you on this point. Instead click on the link below. I’ll wait for you here. (But, let me warn you, you may need item number 6 after seeing what you’re about to see…)
THEY SELL URANIUM!!!! THEY SELL RADIOACTIVE ORE!!! THEY SELL RADIOACTIVE ISOTOPES!!! THEY SELL MISC NUCLEAR ITEMS!!!(Not that there’s anything wrong with that… except for everything that’s wrong with that.) I’d rather not discuss what my daughter intends to do with her uranium, or how, as a minor, she masterminded her plan to purchase it. Let me just say, she’s young and impressionable, a big fan of the movie The Mouse That Roared, and a bit of a genius (I’m just hoping that she uses her genius for good, not evil. But, aren’t we all hoping that? I believe we are. I believe we are…). And, why, you may ask, have I not taken it away from her? Well, let me tell you why; it’s because she is a genius who has URANIUM. Besides, frankly, she’s much more capable of handling the stuff than I.
8.Pain free tweezers. Best to let the video do the talking.
I’ll be honest, I’m not really sure what she’s using these for.
9. Ah, there’s nothing like the soothing, relaxing comfort of a bouncy chair. The Kid prefers the Bright Star Ingenuity Automatic Bouncer. It’s what all the trendy newborns are bouncing in these days. Sure, it doesn’t have the fine Corinthian leather, or dual hydraulic shocks; and, maybe it lacks the contours and precision design of some of your finer German made bouncy seats. But, we’re Americans, damn it, which means we want the finest plastic and questionably chemically treated poly-fibers that the Chinese can provide us. But, she really does like it.
but she can’t wait! (Perhaps some of our Catholic readers may find creative uses for this in certain situations outside of airports…)
OK, true believers, that wraps up this edition of Not About Snakes. We’ll be back next week when we will most definitely not talk about snakes. As always, you can follow the Kid on Twitter (see the top left of the page) and also, type in your email (also top left) to get notifications when the blog is updated. Don’t be afraid to leave comments below (however, do be afraid of the Kid’s wrath if you say something disparaging – SHE HAS URANIUM PEOPLE, don’t piss her off!)