Wednesday, June 22, 2011

George Mikan & Five New Things I've Learned



Before you read this blog, you may want to check out the following link, which will sort of get you up to speed on what this is all about.


If you’ve already read “Thoughts and Tips For First Time Parents (From a First Time Parent)”  then you probably should read it again, only to refresh your memory on just how awesome it is.  If you need outside verification of its awesomeness then you can ask either me or my mother.

I received some pretty good feedback from that hubpage article and several people suggested that I and my beautiful newborn daughter should start a blog together.  (One of those people was, in fact, neither my mother nor my wife.  Nor was it me… It was Karen.  Thanks, Karen.)  It was implied that we had some critical insight that would be helpful, not just to new parents, but to society as a whole; and, that we had a moral duty (or maybe they said “a moral imperative”, I don’t quite recall) to imbue – not merely imbue, but imbue yarely!

Who am I to deny our public (especially the Amish contingency --  HOLLA Jebediah!)? So, without further ado, here is mine and my daughter’s first blog.*  (Oh, and if you like it, you can add your email to the left and get notifications every time we update.  And if you don't like it, you can still add your email and get updates.  You also can follow my young'un on Twitter, which you can also see and/or follow to the left.)

It’s been two weeks since I wrote “Thoughts and Tips…” and my daughter is now three weeks old.  Boy, they aren’t kidding when they say time flies when you get kids!  Seems like only yesterday my daughter was crapping her pants, unable to feed herself and crying for no apparent reason.  Now, she’s crapping her pants, unable to feed herself and crying even more for no apparent reason.  Ah, the lil’ dickens…

But, I have to say I am wiser than I was when she was only one week old.  Following are things I’ve learned in the past fourteen days, which I’ve titled “THINGS I’VE LEARNED IN THE LAST FOURTEEN DAYS.”

            THINGS I’VE LEARNED IN THE LAST FOURTEEN DAYS

1.     Babies are rotten at hide-and-seek.  (She always hides in one of two places:  her crib, her bouncy chair.  Really gets boring, and most of the time when she’s “it” I don’t feel as if she’s making any effort to actually seek me.  I should check the cable bill.  I wouldn’t be surprised if that spike in Pay Per View charges coincides with the times she is “it.”)
2.     Babies have GREAT poker faces (little turd has taken me for a fortune in Texas Hold 'Em!  But, I'll get the last laugh -- bye, bye college fund!)
3.     DO NOT GIVE ALCOHOL TO BABIES!!!!!!!!  Luckily, as I had no plan of giving her booze, I did not have to learn this the hard way.  But, what if I had wanted to have a refreshing cocktail with my Sweetums after a tough day of whatever tough thing she and I had been up to?  Let me tell you, buddy, I’d be up that proverbial creek ****, because giving alcohol to babies is apparently not only frowned upon in 21st century society, but possibly illegal! Like the not giving steak to newborns, this should probably be one of those things that more parenting books may want to cover.  I mean, really.
4.     You shouldn’t worry if no one seems, at first, interested in joining your Baby Fight Club.  Can’t tell you how much time I wasted hanging up flyers in Starbucks, libraries, and daycares across the area.   Even got a nasty email from someone claiming to be an administrator at Craig’s List saying my posting of Baby Fight Club was unacceptable (like since when does Craig’s List care what’s posted on Craig’s List?).  But, then I remembered the first rule of Fight Club.  Of course, that rule also pertains to Baby Fight Club.  That, and the second rule of Fight Club are imperishable truths in the Fight Club system.  My bad!   (But, let me just say that “theoretically,” if there were a Baby Fight Club, my bad-ass daughter would be probably something like 11-0 right now.  If there were… such… a… thing…).  Oh, what’s that you’re saying, “Ha, ha Rick, there’s no such thing as Baby Fight Club.”  Wanna bet?


5.     People tend to get upset when you have a screaming baby in public.  They smile kindly at first and say things like, “Oh, look at her.  She’s mad, isn’t she?  Ha, ha, poor thing.”  But after a couple minutes in the grocery line with Daddy’s dearest having a low-grade conniption fit of Olympian proportions, folks are willing to gnaw their own limbs off to get as far away from the caterwauling as possible.  Which leads me to a little side note:


SIDE NOTE:  So,this got me to thinking, when could someone actually use an infant’s meltdown to their advantage?  And, – I’m sure you’re already waaaaaaay ahead of me on this one – the most obvious way was to use it to get out of trouble with the cops.  Oh, I don’t mean literally using a crying baby as a human shield if you’re robbing a bank or something like that (that’s just stupid, not to mention dangerous to the child!); what I’m referring to is using one’s baby as a figurative human shield if one gets pulled over for, say, a traffic violation.  If one could somehow coordinate with one’s infant a code word, perhaps, to let the youngster know now would be a good time to raise holy hell; well, I can only imagine the benefits that may ensue as the police officer would, as any normal person would, be quite eager to rid him or herself of the crying child.  Here’s how I imagine things could play out:

ME:  “Evening officer, is there a problem?  (Zickenfoose!)” *****

BABY:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OFFICER:  “You were going 35 in a 25 zone.”

BABY:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ME:  “I’m sorry, what’s that?  I couldn’t hear you.”

BABY:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OFFICER: (louder this time) “I said the car was going 35 miles per hour in a 25 miles per hour zone!  May I see your license and registration, please?”

BABY:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ME:  “I’m sorry.  Ssshhh, hush now, baby.  It’s OK, I need to hear what the nice officer is saying.  Sorry, officer, she’s been real gassy all day.”

BABY:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OFFICER:  “What?”

BABY:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ME:  “What?”

BABY:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OFFICER:  “SIR, JUST BE MORE CAREFUL ABOUT THE SPEED CHANGES IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!  OK?!?”

BABY:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ME:  “Sure, Officer.”

(Then the officer runs back to his car, breathing a sigh of relief.)

BABY:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ME: “Zickenfoose!”

BABY:  “I gotta be tell ya, I didn’t think that would work.”

     Now, let’s be honest, we should be attentive to speeding, especially if a child is in the car, but these things do happen.  I only recommend the above for tiny offenses like minor speeding or burnt out taillights.  In no way, shape or form would this work with drunk driving!  DO NOT DRIVE DRUNK often ever, but especially with a baby in the car.  And, I would also state emphatically that using a baby as your designated driver, while on paper may seem like a good idea, in actual practice is only a good idea if your baby can actually drive.  Some babies cannot drive and under no circumstance should they be allowed to operate a motor vehicle that is beyond their personal ability.  Use discretion, is all I’m saying people.


That’s all for now, next time my daughter and I will discuss some handy childcare products.  Or maybe we’ll talk about children’s books.  Or there’s a chance she’ll insist on discussing the 1972 Los Angeles Lakers.   Maybe she'll just post some haiku (she's into haiku) or something she saw on Youtube.  It’s really hard to say where the winds of this blog will blow us.

*NOTE:  I do most of the typing, but she comes up with the bulwark of the ideas.  (She made me write this footnote.)**

**NOTE:  She’s much more persuasive than one would think a 21-day-old could be.***

***NOTE:  My wife and I are kinda scared of her, if you want to know the truth.

****NOTE: That would be shit creek.  But not Shitcreek Consulting, which you can find at http://shitcreekconsulting.com/

*****NOTE: Notice how I used “Zickenfoose” as my code word to let the baby know now was time to start screaming?  “Zickenfoose” is a good code word because you can disguise it as a sneeze.  Seriously, try it.




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2 comments:

  1. Well, other than the fact that you stole the name Zickenfoose from me, who was to star in my next screenplay - you know, the one about Zickenfoose - the lovable curmudgeonly Swedish "Hole in the Wall" wall cutter and his adventures in a small town in Southern Illinois -other than THAT, this is a the best blog I've ever read written by someone less than a month old. Can't wait for more!

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  2. First off, thanks for the comment. Secondly, Re: "Zickenfoose" I believe you're more than aware of how stealthy I can be (unless I was "agile", and you were "stealthy"... our time in the OSS was so long ago, it's hard for me to remember who was what code name...), so you shouldn't be surprised I absconded with it. Thirdly, yes, it is the best blog you've ever read written by someone less than a month old.

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